*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).