me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?