Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”