1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Merry Christmas
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.