So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.