popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
groan^2
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
peep davidson
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
nyc:
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep