The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”