Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it