If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin