These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Bless you
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I’ll be mad as hell!
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run