My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.