“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.