BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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Got him!
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The government even made aliens boring
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you鈥檙e working from home
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Her: What鈥檚 this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.