Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You Might Also Like
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Google assistant rules
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Best spoiler warning ever
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Krampus.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together