The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.