The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
That de-escalated quickly
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Sing it!
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Investing in beetcoin
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.