Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
this is the best interaction on twitter
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*