What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!