[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
It鈥檚 really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I don鈥檛 moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you鈥檙e even dead.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101