I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish