I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.