This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
somebody come look at this
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.