Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
drew a comic about my origin story
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
asking santa clause for nudes
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN