*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Dammit Chief not again
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
you know what ruined my childhood? children