CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.