I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
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baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
A woman drives into a bar.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
And bowling should be called pinball
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?