9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place