*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
yeah no that’s fair
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.