I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Strangers have the best candy.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.