Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The government even made aliens boring
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.