@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
You Might Also Like
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Fries, not lies.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.