This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it