[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?