Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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We have a winner.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Autocorrect is my menesis
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!