As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
You Might Also Like
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.