99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
🏙👨🏼
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF