At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.