The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?