Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Dune (2021)
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*