Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad