I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Would you wear it?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I unironically love this joke.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?