Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING