How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why I divorced her.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.