I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.