A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you