Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Awesome parenting 😂
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!