I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah