Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
North and South
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.