People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I didn’t realize that was an option
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.