England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Tough love is true love
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”